Chaotic Mind

Ecstatic Thoughts? 

I can’t filter my thoughts. They’re a chaotic mess, fighting for attention, pulling me in opposite directions. Like and hate coexist, and I can’t make sense of it. Mixed feelings leave me stranded, unable to think clearly, unable to understand anything.

Things change—people, circumstances, time. Yet here I am, stuck in this loop, unable to change. What’s wrong with me? Why does everything else evolve while I stay the same? Maybe it’s not change I fear; maybe it’s the effort it demands, the confrontation with parts of myself I’d rather ignore.

I’ve tried. I’ve tried to force myself to think straight, to be better. But trying feels like a joke when your mind is its own worst enemy. It’s exhausting to question yourself constantly, to second-guess every decision, to wonder if you’re the problem—and the truth is, maybe I am.

Compassion? Sure, I’ve got a sliver of it—just enough to keep me from completely hating myself. But freedom? Kindness? Those feel distant. When you can’t even untangle your own thoughts, the idea of freedom feels like a luxury for people who don’t fight their own brains every day.

I know things aren’t static. Life moves, whether I want it to or not. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll figure out how to move with it instead of resisting every step of the way. For now, though, I’m just a mess trying to survive the chaos I’ve created.


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